Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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