somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
