It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
