I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
