I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Randomize
