I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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