Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
