Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
