he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Randomize
