I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
