you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
