Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
