Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
