She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Randomize
