I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
you would pick up someone in the library
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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