I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I need to stop coming to work sober
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
