I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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