Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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