My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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