I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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