I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Randomize
