my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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