Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
