why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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