When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
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