i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
