I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
