a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
