Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Randomize
