oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
