If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
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