it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
