where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
