It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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