I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
