I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
last night I used snow as a chaser
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
