You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
