plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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