i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
