Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
