Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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