Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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