So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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