it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
There r osticjed everywhere
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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