My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
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