I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
