I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
