Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Found the puke drawer
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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