Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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