Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
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